Tears of hurt
by Sarah Took
Summary: Companionsequel to In the Dark. pippin not dealing, falling. umm, has a hint of suicidal violence, lots of tears. no slash. ssorry for the long wait.
1. Pippin hurts

This is kind of like a companion piece to my other story "In the dark"

I recommend you read this, but you don't have to. You can just assume that Pippin is missing someone.

Set a few weeks after Zillah's death – Merry's sister. Pippin's p.o.v.

I hate her so much it hurts. It hurts so much, all the time. Pain swelling over my heart, breaking it again and again, it never heals. Silently screaming I am. I am so scared, and lost. I feel lost. Why would she have to die, she did nothing wrong.

It hurts me so much; I don't know how to deal. I wonder if Merry is hurting like me.

I wonder why she died and left me behind. I don't ever want to stop crying, I don't ever want to leave her behind in my childhood days. She was mine. My little cousin, whom I loved so much, it hurt. It hurt when she cried, it hurt when she looked so sad and alone and lost. I wanted to take her in my arms and hold her, hold her and tell her it was going to be okay.

I am lost, and I feel broken inside.

I cut my thumb on purpose, because I was too afraid to cut my wrists. It hurt, but not bad, just stung and after a while, even that went away, and I was left with a small red cut on my thumb, but I am still too afraid to cut my wrists. No one even noticed I had a cut. Merry usually notices, but this time, even he didn't.

I don't know why he never looks at me anymore, he hugs me and holds me, lulling me to sleep, but he never looks at me properly. His eyes are usually sad too, but it shouldn't stop him looking at me.

My dad, he tried to comfort me, but he cannot hug me very well, neither can anyone else. They are all awkward around me. Merry is not. He knows me, more than the others do.

For a while I didn't want to believe Zillah was actually gone, she was my angel. But she has gone, and I don't want these memories of her with me anymore, as all they bring is pain, and dreams from which I wake up crying, and I have to look for Merry to stop the tears flowing.

I cut my knee the other day when I fell. No one was there to catch me, in my despair and my unquenchable sadness. I didn't care that it hurt, I was glad, later that night I picked at it and scratched at it, and hoped that it would scar. I also knocked my thumb, causing the wound to open again, and my tears mingled with my blood.

This was how Merry found me, on my bed, knees drawn up to my chin, the knife held against my wrist, not cutting it, I guess I just couldn't find the courage to actually do it. He gasped when he saw me, and I must have looked about to drive the knife into my wrist, because he almost screamed, came running at me, and grasping the knife, wrenched it out off my hand, and threw it with all his might across the room. I looked up at him, my eyes misty, not feeling good enough to ask him for help. He didn't say anything besides my name, crouching in front of me, and taking my hands in his, searching it for cuts, searching and searching. I felt him sigh when he found none on my wrists. A sharp intake of breath announced his finding of the slash, which I had made deeper, on the side of my thumb. He looks at me, taking my chin in one of his hands, and angling my face up so that I am looking at him.

There are tears in his eyes, disappointment I feel, for me who has failed him, I am not worthy enough to be his friend, I am not worthy enough to be anything.

"Did you, Pippin? Did you do this on purpose? Pip?" And he says my name so sorrowfully; fresh tears appear on his face, as he looks into my eyes where he finds the truth.

"Why?" he asks, "Why? Why Pippin? Why?" and he continues crying 'why' as he pulls me to him, and wraps his arms around my quivering body, as we cry and cry and cry. I hold his shirtfront, holding on so tightly, afraid that he will leave me as well. I don't ever want him to leave me alone; I am scared of the dark, I am scared of being by myself.

He knows I am crying myself to sleep, because he lays me on my bed, lying bedside me, as I am still clinging to him. He tries to pull away, but I tighten my grip on his shirt, and try to control the scream that has threatened to escape since the branch broke beneath me on the fateful day when Zillah died. He pulls the blankets over us, and combs my hair with his fingers, sending me to peaceful sleep, where there are no dreams, memories, and I am empty. At last, I find rest, where there are no concerns, just darkness. And I am not alone; Merry is with me, protecting me, like he does. I'm in the arms of the angel.


	2. merry's pov, same time frame

**Disclaimer: **this is also for the before chapter, i don't own lotr, or any of its characters, those are all tolkiens. i own the idea of the story.. go me, but that was inspired by tolkien, so it is also not mine.

**authors note:** after much request (one) i have decided to put another thing up, merry's pov, and it is probably way way worse than before, if you don't like it, don't feel bad, because i don't believe it is that good either, but if you still want more, review and i will try and write a continuation of pippin's pov, and discard this attempt.

Merry's pov. After a request for a sequel/new chapter.

In my head I hear Pippin. His voice has been constantly in my mind since a few days after Zillah's death. And I hate him for it, he is screaming and I don't want to save him. He is yelling that he hates her, and I am crying into my pillow, because I hate him so much for thinking it. I cry harder when he starts whimpering that he loves her. And I can't believe he even wonders if I am hurting. She was my sister. How could I not hurt?

I wish he would stop screaming. I wish it so much.

But he never stops, he is being torn from his childhood and no one is there to save him, not even me. I refuse to look at him, because I am hurting so much, and he is always in my head, just screaming.

Finally he shut up, but then I was worried. I could hear his mind ticking over, millions of voices talking, and I couldn't hear anything. And then he starts the screaming again, the helpless screaming, which I am obliged to obey, and I do, holding him, rocking him to sleep, letting him cling to me, letting him cry on me, being strong for my younger cousin, as he struggles through the pain and hurt, which grows stronger everyday, so I am afraid to talk, to do anything, but sit there, and comfort quietly, mechanically.

In the middle of the nights my dreams are interrupted by Pippin, his searching for me, his eyes trying to look into me, trying to figure me out, when all I want to be is left alone. And the images of Zillah float from his head to mine, her dancing, her running, her hair flowing, her short scream, over and over, reverberating through my mind.

Pippin falls, but I cannot comfort him, I am afraid I will burst out crying. I hardly see Pippin at all anymore, I hide in my room, or up in the orchard, perched in the branches of a tree, so he has to search me out if he wants to find me. And his screaming fills my head, his crying, whimpering. I wish it would stop. I wish it would stop.

I hear a short gasp in my head, and then there is complete silence, silence worse than the horrible lost screaming, and I panic. I start to shake, and run towards Pippin's room, run and run, throwing open the door. His eyes are full of tears, they are escaping down his cheeks, and I forget why it was that I couldn't look at him, and I don't know if I will forgive myself, when I see the knife. Held on his wrist, inching closer. I must have screamed, because Pippin looks up at me, as I rush to him, throwing the knife across the room with such strength that it wedges itself in the wood of the wall. I sit in front of him, feeling as though my legs will not support me, taking his hands, and checking them, searching them for cuts of any kind. There are none on his wrists, for which I sigh in relief, but as I am turning his hands over I see a cut, which makes my blood run cold. On his thumb, a slash, deep, and bleeding still. I gasp in a breath, holding back the tears threatening to spill. I force him to look at me.

"Did you, Pippin? Did you do this on purpose? Pip?" I ask, my eyes full. The truth is evident in his eyes, his lost eyes, searching mine for reassurance, which I feel I cannot give him.

"Why?" I ask, "Why? Why Pippin? Why?" and I continue whispering, as the tears stream from my eyes, and I pull him to me, holding him as we cry, he is clinging to my shirtfront, so desperately, as if afraid I will leave him. I can feel him getting heavier, and his sobs getting slower, as he starts to fall asleep. I lay him down, lying with him, as he won't let me go, and I know he doesn't want to be alone. He screams a bit in my head, when I tried to pull away, so I stay where I am, combing his hair with my fingers, lulling him into a peaceful sleep, where I hope he will have dreamless sleep and get rid of some of the black circles under his eyes. I feel myself becoming drowsy as well, and I pull the blankets over us, resting my head against his, and letting myself drift off. I am safe, I am not afraid, I am not going to leave him alone, I won't let him become lost once more.

**Sorry this took ages to come, you see i thought i'd already put it in, but it hadn't, and then iwas looking at other stories and writing more and studying for school, so i forgot to check all that often, and then i came on and agreed to the guidelines again, and it said, you can now load the story, and i was like, oh, oops...sorry.**

**hope you liked it more than i did...please review...thanks**


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